I need to get this tea to room temperature or colder fast so I can chug my “relaxing cup of tea” before running out the door.
I’m wearing my sky blue cardigan because it reminds me of Mr. Rodgers and my fish tail arm warmer because I’m auditioning to be a fish. I also carry symbols from my friends who wish me well and the prayers of my mother. Am I nervous? Sure. Did I expect to be doing this four weeks ago? No. My tea is done and I fly.
Buying gas on the way I do the guy selling chocolate bars the justice of looking him in the eye when I say, not today. There will be more, not todays, in my life.
I see two good friends right before I go to see the director. One hugs me, his hugs are magical.
The audition went well now it’s a matter of paperwork and final negotiations. Then the last and hardest task, telling the two people at my current cast who need to know, the two who depend on me and I like best. I’d like to do it all at once but that won’t be granted me.
For the past four nights I’ve woken with stomach pain I know the root cause is stress but I don’t know what to do to sooth it. I drink a glass of milk and the pain leaves but the thoughts go on. It’s the thoughts that really keep me awake. I try my best to be thankful to tell God my worries but I don’t dig, not in the middle of the night, not while I should be exhausted.
My days are full of writing emails and scheduling. I still enjoy the people but they are also key to my distress. Healing conversation comes rarely to me. Yet I hope for it. I need it.
God grants me my request and I am high in spirit. I eat little, I laugh, I still wake up in the middle of the night hungry but my thoughts are singing and dancing there is joy abundant and my poor neglected voice is freer. What I silenced so long ago is returning this makes me glad.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Saturday, August 18, 2012
That moment when you realize you should get another job
I’m experiencing cash flow issues. I told my mom about some of the brain storm results, which did include marring a rich guy. She advised against that idea. I know, I know, it wouldn’t really solve anything but it still looks good on paper, (laughs weakly to self).
I’ve actually wanted another job for about five years now. So why don’t I have one? Honestly. To start up anything in this world costs something. In order to get a job you have to audition for them. Yes, audition is a better word than interview. You have to dress the part, have a pretty resume, and walk in with confidence, that probably isn’t native, and tell them the magical things they want to hear. Create a desire in them to hire you. This sounds like a lot of work.
Honestly, I’m having a hard enough time figuring out what I want out of life, what to focus on, that to become some corporate character would set me back or anyway frustrate me in ways I’d rather not be. Funny thing, when asked as a child what I wanted to be when I grew up I didn’t really have an answer. As I got older the smart-ass in me would reply, myself. But I knew that wasn’t what people wanted to hear. I suppose this attitude is why I’m lost in the arts and entertainment side of things because my aptitude and so forth was a good match. But people, starving artist isn’t just a cliché it’s reality and it’s hard.
Consider this; I can spend hundreds, thousands of hours working on a project that would only sell for $50. What was my hourly wage on that project? $0.50/hr. or less, and this doesn’t even take in the material cost. Is that really worth it? But if I try to shift into a more business admin type thing I also get resistance because I “don’t have experience” I say it that way because really I do have experience. I happen to handle budgets and manage people all the time.
This leads me to social networking, a fancy pants way of saying whoring yourself or hustling, because everything comes down to what you say in public and how much attention you can command. I suck at hustling. Again, it has to do with my resistance to fakery.
I have a hard time just stating what I want. I mean walking up to a person and blurting out, I want something. Part of this is because, in my observation, people do better with specific requests and I’m not sure what I want. If I don’t even know what I want then it’s hard for me to pitch it to an investor and, yeah, every one’s an investor either of time, emotion or money.
I’m also kind of lazy. What I mean is things are ok. So though I know I could be doing better, I’m ok staying in this less than ideal state, it’s familiar and compared to other peoples situations kind of nice. Well, it was. Now I’m sort of behind the learning curve on hustling and apparently that’s how things get done around here.
Oddly these are the same issues that make dating unnatural for me.
I’ve actually wanted another job for about five years now. So why don’t I have one? Honestly. To start up anything in this world costs something. In order to get a job you have to audition for them. Yes, audition is a better word than interview. You have to dress the part, have a pretty resume, and walk in with confidence, that probably isn’t native, and tell them the magical things they want to hear. Create a desire in them to hire you. This sounds like a lot of work.
Honestly, I’m having a hard enough time figuring out what I want out of life, what to focus on, that to become some corporate character would set me back or anyway frustrate me in ways I’d rather not be. Funny thing, when asked as a child what I wanted to be when I grew up I didn’t really have an answer. As I got older the smart-ass in me would reply, myself. But I knew that wasn’t what people wanted to hear. I suppose this attitude is why I’m lost in the arts and entertainment side of things because my aptitude and so forth was a good match. But people, starving artist isn’t just a cliché it’s reality and it’s hard.
Consider this; I can spend hundreds, thousands of hours working on a project that would only sell for $50. What was my hourly wage on that project? $0.50/hr. or less, and this doesn’t even take in the material cost. Is that really worth it? But if I try to shift into a more business admin type thing I also get resistance because I “don’t have experience” I say it that way because really I do have experience. I happen to handle budgets and manage people all the time.
This leads me to social networking, a fancy pants way of saying whoring yourself or hustling, because everything comes down to what you say in public and how much attention you can command. I suck at hustling. Again, it has to do with my resistance to fakery.
I have a hard time just stating what I want. I mean walking up to a person and blurting out, I want something. Part of this is because, in my observation, people do better with specific requests and I’m not sure what I want. If I don’t even know what I want then it’s hard for me to pitch it to an investor and, yeah, every one’s an investor either of time, emotion or money.
I’m also kind of lazy. What I mean is things are ok. So though I know I could be doing better, I’m ok staying in this less than ideal state, it’s familiar and compared to other peoples situations kind of nice. Well, it was. Now I’m sort of behind the learning curve on hustling and apparently that’s how things get done around here.
Oddly these are the same issues that make dating unnatural for me.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)