The Break

I need to get this tea to room temperature or colder fast so I can chug my “relaxing cup of tea” before running out the door.

I’m wearing my sky blue cardigan because it reminds me of Mr. Rodgers and my fish tail arm warmer because I’m auditioning to be a fish. I also carry symbols from my friends who wish me well and the prayers of my mother. Am I nervous? Sure. Did I expect to be doing this four weeks ago? No. My tea is done and I fly.

Buying gas on the way I do the guy selling chocolate bars the justice of looking him in the eye when I say, not today. There will be more, not todays, in my life.

I see two good friends right before I go to see the director. One hugs me, his hugs are magical.

The audition went well now it’s a matter of paperwork and final negotiations. Then the last and hardest task, telling the two people at my current cast who need to know, the two who depend on me and I like best. I’d like to do it all at once but that won’t be granted me.

For the past four nights I’ve woken with stomach pain I know the root cause is stress but I don’t know what to do to sooth it. I drink a glass of milk and the pain leaves but the thoughts go on. It’s the thoughts that really keep me awake. I try my best to be thankful to tell God my worries but I don’t dig, not in the middle of the night, not while I should be exhausted.

My days are full of writing emails and scheduling. I still enjoy the people but they are also key to my distress. Healing conversation comes rarely to me. Yet I hope for it. I need it.

God grants me my request and I am high in spirit. I eat little, I laugh, I still wake up in the middle of the night hungry but my thoughts are singing and dancing there is joy abundant and my poor neglected voice is freer. What I silenced so long ago is returning this makes me glad.