That moment when you realize you should get another job

I’m experiencing cash flow issues. I told my mom about some of the brain storm results, which did include marring a rich guy. She advised against that idea. I know, I know, it wouldn’t really solve anything but it still looks good on paper, (laughs weakly to self).

I’ve actually wanted another job for about five years now. So why don’t I have one? Honestly. To start up anything in this world costs something. In order to get a job you have to audition for them. Yes, audition is a better word than interview. You have to dress the part, have a pretty resume, and walk in with confidence, that probably isn’t native, and tell them the magical things they want to hear. Create a desire in them to hire you. This sounds like a lot of work.

Honestly, I’m having a hard enough time figuring out what I want out of life, what to focus on, that to become some corporate character would set me back or anyway frustrate me in ways I’d rather not be. Funny thing, when asked as a child what I wanted to be when I grew up I didn’t really have an answer. As I got older the smart-ass in me would reply, myself. But I knew that wasn’t what people wanted to hear. I suppose this attitude is why I’m lost in the arts and entertainment side of things because my aptitude and so forth was a good match. But people, starving artist isn’t just a cliché it’s reality and it’s hard.

Consider this; I can spend hundreds, thousands of hours working on a project that would only sell for $50. What was my hourly wage on that project? $0.50/hr. or less, and this doesn’t even take in the material cost. Is that really worth it? But if I try to shift into a more business admin type thing I also get resistance because I “don’t have experience” I say it that way because really I do have experience. I happen to handle budgets and manage people all the time.

This leads me to social networking, a fancy pants way of saying whoring yourself or hustling, because everything comes down to what you say in public and how much attention you can command. I suck at hustling. Again, it has to do with my resistance to fakery.

I have a hard time just stating what I want. I mean walking up to a person and blurting out, I want something. Part of this is because, in my observation, people do better with specific requests and I’m not sure what I want. If I don’t even know what I want then it’s hard for me to pitch it to an investor and, yeah, every one’s an investor either of time, emotion or money.

I’m also kind of lazy. What I mean is things are ok. So though I know I could be doing better, I’m ok staying in this less than ideal state, it’s familiar and compared to other peoples situations kind of nice. Well, it was. Now I’m sort of behind the learning curve on hustling and apparently that’s how things get done around here.

Oddly these are the same issues that make dating unnatural for me.