Noon on a Monday

It’s noon on a Monday and I’ve got 80% of my to do list done. It’s been two years since I’ve been able to do anything on a Monday. This feels good.

I know I will be going back to the killer schedule in a month but I thank God for this break. I trust all will be well.

As part of personal business I was getting a credit card for emergencies, etc. from the bank’s point of view I’m risky. Not because my credit’s bad, it’s actually really good, but because I don’t make enough money in a given month to satisfy them. Every time I run into this sort of thing I think about getting another job. But I remember how exhausting my theater work has been. I don’t want to be a zombie I want to be present for people. Still I’d love a desk job to balance out the run around.

Monday Meditation: beginning of peace

1 Kings 12:7
“If you will be a servant to this people today and serve them, and speak good words to them when you answer them, then they will be your servants forever.”

1 Kings 12:15
the king did not listen to the people.

 

To listen is the beginning of peace

Wise leadership comes from listening. It’s interesting to note that the elders didn’t say the lightening had to  be permanent though I suppose to go back on it would be just as bad as the arrogant speech the king did make.

Ok, fundamental human issue we all desperately want to understand and be understood. Unwillingness to listen is often the trigger for conflict at all levels.

You know it makes me feel better if I think at least one person listened to me today. Maybe there’s a service in that. I could see someone operating a listening booth where a person could go and just talk and be heard without being told anything. How refreshing that could be.

Opening: Mistakes Were Made

Last night our director called us into the last little huddle to thank us for our hard work. We open tonight and odds that we’ll get to say anything meaningful to each other are kind of slim, openings are chaotic.

I’m not feeling anything special right now. But then I’m not the one who will have to look at the audience looking at me for 90min. straight!

Here’s what I’d like you to know about all this, I really appreciate the effort this director has gone to in order to communicate clearly. You don’t know how amazing that is for me. Yeah, not everything came out brilliant the first time but she was intelligent enough to listen and buffer her reaction and that went along way to making my job the cakewalk it is.

So, thank you Shana. I’m very glad I got this opportunity to work with you and really everyone. This has been a lovely experience.

Sage Thought Friday

It's the ordinary things that humble me reminding me to slow down, let go. Today, moldy bread. Thank you Lord, there is relief in the letting go.

Business as Usual

Matthew 3
John dramatic in appearance and rhetoric

Matthew is concerned with prophesy, yes, but also with the dramatic. John’s movement is very cultish. Well, wasn’t it all supposed to be a passing fanaticism? Weird diet, weird cloths, trendy ritual, and so forth a leader who said inflammatory things. And Jesus came.

At first it’s more of the same flashy stuff. I think to myself, things happen so quickly, things seem so exciting in the beginning, large crowds and all. But after he gets their attention then the harder things come. The obedience, this will only work if…

I think society has a three week attention span. Look at big news stories, humanitarian groups have always complained that after an event there is initial show of support and we go, wow! There’s a lot of support or interest, and then about three weeks later it’s business as usual (KONY, anyone?). How long did it take for Jesus? When would it become business as usual?

To be Christian is business as usual.

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The Break

I need to get this tea to room temperature or colder fast so I can chug my “relaxing cup of tea” before running out the door.

I’m wearing my sky blue cardigan because it reminds me of Mr. Rodgers and my fish tail arm warmer because I’m auditioning to be a fish. I also carry symbols from my friends who wish me well and the prayers of my mother. Am I nervous? Sure. Did I expect to be doing this four weeks ago? No. My tea is done and I fly.

Buying gas on the way I do the guy selling chocolate bars the justice of looking him in the eye when I say, not today. There will be more, not todays, in my life.

I see two good friends right before I go to see the director. One hugs me, his hugs are magical.

The audition went well now it’s a matter of paperwork and final negotiations. Then the last and hardest task, telling the two people at my current cast who need to know, the two who depend on me and I like best. I’d like to do it all at once but that won’t be granted me.

For the past four nights I’ve woken with stomach pain I know the root cause is stress but I don’t know what to do to sooth it. I drink a glass of milk and the pain leaves but the thoughts go on. It’s the thoughts that really keep me awake. I try my best to be thankful to tell God my worries but I don’t dig, not in the middle of the night, not while I should be exhausted.

My days are full of writing emails and scheduling. I still enjoy the people but they are also key to my distress. Healing conversation comes rarely to me. Yet I hope for it. I need it.

God grants me my request and I am high in spirit. I eat little, I laugh, I still wake up in the middle of the night hungry but my thoughts are singing and dancing there is joy abundant and my poor neglected voice is freer. What I silenced so long ago is returning this makes me glad.

That moment when you realize you should get another job

I’m experiencing cash flow issues. I told my mom about some of the brain storm results, which did include marring a rich guy. She advised against that idea. I know, I know, it wouldn’t really solve anything but it still looks good on paper, (laughs weakly to self).

I’ve actually wanted another job for about five years now. So why don’t I have one? Honestly. To start up anything in this world costs something. In order to get a job you have to audition for them. Yes, audition is a better word than interview. You have to dress the part, have a pretty resume, and walk in with confidence, that probably isn’t native, and tell them the magical things they want to hear. Create a desire in them to hire you. This sounds like a lot of work.

Honestly, I’m having a hard enough time figuring out what I want out of life, what to focus on, that to become some corporate character would set me back or anyway frustrate me in ways I’d rather not be. Funny thing, when asked as a child what I wanted to be when I grew up I didn’t really have an answer. As I got older the smart-ass in me would reply, myself. But I knew that wasn’t what people wanted to hear. I suppose this attitude is why I’m lost in the arts and entertainment side of things because my aptitude and so forth was a good match. But people, starving artist isn’t just a cliché it’s reality and it’s hard.

Consider this; I can spend hundreds, thousands of hours working on a project that would only sell for $50. What was my hourly wage on that project? $0.50/hr. or less, and this doesn’t even take in the material cost. Is that really worth it? But if I try to shift into a more business admin type thing I also get resistance because I “don’t have experience” I say it that way because really I do have experience. I happen to handle budgets and manage people all the time.

This leads me to social networking, a fancy pants way of saying whoring yourself or hustling, because everything comes down to what you say in public and how much attention you can command. I suck at hustling. Again, it has to do with my resistance to fakery.

I have a hard time just stating what I want. I mean walking up to a person and blurting out, I want something. Part of this is because, in my observation, people do better with specific requests and I’m not sure what I want. If I don’t even know what I want then it’s hard for me to pitch it to an investor and, yeah, every one’s an investor either of time, emotion or money.

I’m also kind of lazy. What I mean is things are ok. So though I know I could be doing better, I’m ok staying in this less than ideal state, it’s familiar and compared to other peoples situations kind of nice. Well, it was. Now I’m sort of behind the learning curve on hustling and apparently that’s how things get done around here.

Oddly these are the same issues that make dating unnatural for me.