The Break

I need to get this tea to room temperature or colder fast so I can chug my “relaxing cup of tea” before running out the door.

I’m wearing my sky blue cardigan because it reminds me of Mr. Rodgers and my fish tail arm warmer because I’m auditioning to be a fish. I also carry symbols from my friends who wish me well and the prayers of my mother. Am I nervous? Sure. Did I expect to be doing this four weeks ago? No. My tea is done and I fly.

Buying gas on the way I do the guy selling chocolate bars the justice of looking him in the eye when I say, not today. There will be more, not todays, in my life.

I see two good friends right before I go to see the director. One hugs me, his hugs are magical.

The audition went well now it’s a matter of paperwork and final negotiations. Then the last and hardest task, telling the two people at my current cast who need to know, the two who depend on me and I like best. I’d like to do it all at once but that won’t be granted me.

For the past four nights I’ve woken with stomach pain I know the root cause is stress but I don’t know what to do to sooth it. I drink a glass of milk and the pain leaves but the thoughts go on. It’s the thoughts that really keep me awake. I try my best to be thankful to tell God my worries but I don’t dig, not in the middle of the night, not while I should be exhausted.

My days are full of writing emails and scheduling. I still enjoy the people but they are also key to my distress. Healing conversation comes rarely to me. Yet I hope for it. I need it.

God grants me my request and I am high in spirit. I eat little, I laugh, I still wake up in the middle of the night hungry but my thoughts are singing and dancing there is joy abundant and my poor neglected voice is freer. What I silenced so long ago is returning this makes me glad.

That moment when you realize you should get another job

I’m experiencing cash flow issues. I told my mom about some of the brain storm results, which did include marring a rich guy. She advised against that idea. I know, I know, it wouldn’t really solve anything but it still looks good on paper, (laughs weakly to self).

I’ve actually wanted another job for about five years now. So why don’t I have one? Honestly. To start up anything in this world costs something. In order to get a job you have to audition for them. Yes, audition is a better word than interview. You have to dress the part, have a pretty resume, and walk in with confidence, that probably isn’t native, and tell them the magical things they want to hear. Create a desire in them to hire you. This sounds like a lot of work.

Honestly, I’m having a hard enough time figuring out what I want out of life, what to focus on, that to become some corporate character would set me back or anyway frustrate me in ways I’d rather not be. Funny thing, when asked as a child what I wanted to be when I grew up I didn’t really have an answer. As I got older the smart-ass in me would reply, myself. But I knew that wasn’t what people wanted to hear. I suppose this attitude is why I’m lost in the arts and entertainment side of things because my aptitude and so forth was a good match. But people, starving artist isn’t just a cliché it’s reality and it’s hard.

Consider this; I can spend hundreds, thousands of hours working on a project that would only sell for $50. What was my hourly wage on that project? $0.50/hr. or less, and this doesn’t even take in the material cost. Is that really worth it? But if I try to shift into a more business admin type thing I also get resistance because I “don’t have experience” I say it that way because really I do have experience. I happen to handle budgets and manage people all the time.

This leads me to social networking, a fancy pants way of saying whoring yourself or hustling, because everything comes down to what you say in public and how much attention you can command. I suck at hustling. Again, it has to do with my resistance to fakery.

I have a hard time just stating what I want. I mean walking up to a person and blurting out, I want something. Part of this is because, in my observation, people do better with specific requests and I’m not sure what I want. If I don’t even know what I want then it’s hard for me to pitch it to an investor and, yeah, every one’s an investor either of time, emotion or money.

I’m also kind of lazy. What I mean is things are ok. So though I know I could be doing better, I’m ok staying in this less than ideal state, it’s familiar and compared to other peoples situations kind of nice. Well, it was. Now I’m sort of behind the learning curve on hustling and apparently that’s how things get done around here.

Oddly these are the same issues that make dating unnatural for me.

Kitchen Perils: Soup Stock

Yesterday I got a brilliant idea to make vegetable dumpling soup. To begin with I needed a good stock. So I cut up some vegetables and --wait! Let me back up. I got the vegetables out and a cutting board and knife then my phone reminded me I had an appointment in fifteen minutes at a place that was fifteen minutes away, shit. So I stopped what I was doing and left. 

About two hours later I actually cut the vegetables and put them in the pot with water but then I had to go somewhere else a half hour later. I got back from that and was still determined to make this stock so I turned the stove back on and forgot about it.

I went to another room to type out a bunch of stuff I had in a note book.

At about 10pm my mother (yeah I’m bunking with the Ps) came and reminded me about the soup. I went and looked at it and it seemed to be doing fine so I went back to typing and again forgot about it.

3:30am I woke up thirsty and thought maybe I should go to the bathroom, but maybe I didn’t need to, but I guess I would, so I got up and opened the door to realize the dining room and kitchen lights were on. The decision to turn them off probably saved my life. I walked into the kitchen to discover the stove still on and a smoldering mass of formally edible vegetation popping on the burner. Oopse.

I turned the stove off and doused the burnt stuff and, after turning the lights out, went back to bed. About thirty seconds later I hear someone in the kitchen investigating. So I got up again to find my father poking around in the dark.

“Did something burn on the stove?” he said.

“Yes, I just took care of it. I forgot my soup!”

I guess this isn’t quite as embarrassing as burning water, but still, soup? Come on. I’m better than that. I generally make good food. Sigh. The other thing that puzzles me is why didn’t my father turn the light on when he was poking around?

Calling it Like I See it

There once was a man who told us he loved his wife but we never saw them together. He often complained that no one cared about her. He thought she was very ill. But he never made it easy for her to leave the house. I wondered in my soul how ill she really was.

Once I took her to a doctor’s appointment and listened to her for two hours. No one had done that for her in a long time, I could tell by what she said. I was young then and didn’t process it very quickly but did do what I could to open their eyes.

Recently a mutual acquaintance told me that the main, given, reason the man left the church he had been with was so he could attend a church with his wife. If that were true then by all means go. But for his next church he chose a fellowship that was not convenient for his wife.

In my world this does not look good.

As it happens, I know his new church is not a good fit for her because I’ve been there for a while now and it’s far too loud and nowhere near her home. I see this man at service and I hide from him because I’m angry.

Neglect and isolation are just as devastating, if not more so, than actually getting beat up. I wonder if he feels power or importance when he gets to give people updates on his tragic wife. Perhaps that is why he keeps her tragic. It does her no good. It proves he is a dick.

She is as helpless as he makes her and that is unjust.

I post this in hopes that it will generate constructive discussion. I know my view on the situation is flawed. But I can’t be silent.

Going Veg

A friend asked me about going vegetarian recently. He’s a CARNIVORE! And has some anxiety about living meat free. It’s not a hopeless situation. With a little education and encouragement he can change to a very good protein rich plant based diet.

How to start:

• Know what your body needs. Nutritionists like to worry about a vegetarian’s protein and B12 intake. Do pay attention to these things. The protein is really important because they are what make muscles. In the beginning you will need to keep a food journal and look up the nutrition information on what you’re eating.
• Read labels: it will be surprising what does contain protein. It will also be surprising what contains meat or meat derivatives (Twinkies? Yeah, read the label).
• Eat a variety of things. Don’t just eat beans, eat beans and rice and squash and…
• Don’t relight on soy. I know it so convenient because marketing has made it look like a one to one parallel with meat but there are things about soy you should consider before going all monoculture on it. Soy has phytoestrogens that can destabilize your hormone balance making you a little weirder than you already are. So I’d advise going easy on it.
• The most important part is to keep an open mind about food. Most people have deep emotional attachments to a food tradition which makes eating well challenging. For instance in America there’s a cultural message that says; everyone likes chocolate cake. This is not true. I happen to be cake ambivalent and I still consider myself a good American.*

In time your tastes will refine and you will find delight in new flavors. The plant world is very flavorful.

*good American: someone who votes, damn it!

Dragon's Return

A facebook friend posted this video please watch it and read my response below. 

I’m balling. It’s early in the morning, well early by my standards, and I’m crying because I realize that I miss my friendly dragons. I don’t know how to explain this. When I was younger and the world was taking magic away from me the dragons were the last thing to go. They were good friends for me.

Now I’m “mature” now I worry. My sense that I have powerful friends that will always help and protect me has been dimmed. I no longer expect loyalty. This is hard.

In my dream, the strong wish I have for myself, I want a playful loyal friend who will enjoy the absurd along with me. One who will never hurt me with false friendship, one who will value me above the opinions of other people. Because the dragons began to die the day I was betrayed.

I don’t know why my mother decided to give me back my graphite stick today… I guess I should start drawing again. It’s been far too long.

Health

Ok, there are people who are curious about my "diet". Here’s how I account for my appearance.

•   Genetics
•   Food heritage
•   Routine

Genetics is something you can’t share with me, sorry, so I won’t say much about it. Except that it is important to know how this affects your body.

Food heritage is the habits our caregivers modeled for us. In my case my mother was a very strong influence in what was around to eat. Fortunately my father was willing to go along with her earthy health conscious vision; as a consequence I have no fear of vegetables and actually prefer a plant based diet. Food was never used to fill emotional holes. It was strictly about fueling up to get through the day. Sugar was deemphasized.

Routine is the practical part that you can steal from me:

•  I drink a lot of water. In fact the first thing I ingest every day is water. Here’s why, I’ve gone eight-ish hours without drinking anything. If our bodies are 75% water and would fail faster without it, it just makes sense to take care of that issue first.
•  Breakfast is routine, I eat the same basic thing every morning. The last thing I want to do before breakfast is figure out some complicated thing.
•   My go to breakfast is oatmeal, yogurt, and nuts. I do add things like spices or dried fruit; often I will include a little honey. This is a high protein meal that also takes care of a calcium serving. Protein is important because it’s what your muscles are made of and provides a steady long term source of energy.
•  Physical activity, the adult way of saying play. Runaround or dance or climb things our bodies are meant to move. Think about it, for the longest time humans traveled by foot everywhere. Until quite recently most people worked at something involving physicality. There were no gyms because they were unnecessary.
•  Ok on this point I’m a little crazy. I don’t keep a lot of furniture. If there’s nowhere to sit then I’ll use the floor which means I’m less likely to sit for long periods of time.
• Another thing that goes along with playing is playing outside. Yeah, get out of the house or building at least once a day. Walking to and from a car does not count.
•  I don’t eat my food all at once. Meaning I take my time at meals and I have lots of meals evenly spaced through the day about every 3 hours. If you only eat one meal a day your body stresses out. You can survive on one meal a day but you aren’t likely to thrive on one meal a day.
•  Learn how your body handles stress. In my case stressfulness attacks my digestive system. For you, you may find that it gives you clausal headaches. However this happens learn how to manage stress so that you aren’t making the situation worse. If you need help figuring this out ask for it don’t waste time googleing it on your own.
• Have social interaction on a regular basis. Being around good people regularly will help enormously. I’ve never struggled with body image issues but I have struggled with identity my entire life. I find that having supportive people in my life not only encourages me to get out of the house but also lessens the burdens of life by getting me to focus on something other than myself.

The other great thing about having good people in your life is that they will help motivate you into health. Someone to play with is much better than playing alone. (Take that however you will, *wink*.)

A special note to the ladies:

Be kind to each other. If you’re wacked out on hormones, or whatever, don’t use that as an excuse to be bitchy. In fact take it as a challenge to be extra sensitive to those around you. Exercising self-control in this area will win you friends. Not only will they find you pleasant it will show your strength of character. People do prefer those who can control their tempers.