Half-baked Ideas

Lately I’ve found myself pacing from room to room with no real objective. It could be that the pain of being female drives me. It could be that I just quit my job and have no idea what will happen next. It could be I’m developing the latest cold going around. Anyway, now is a time for deep digging, attempting answers to questions that are hard for me to answer.

What do I want to do?

Who do I want to be?

It’s also a natural time to examine ideals. Naming them, I’ve been very reluctant to do this. I have a fear that naming them will make them permanent, like, I won’t be allowed to change them once I say it even if I disagree with myself immediately afterward. Somehow I got the idea that these pronouncements were permanent so I should be very careful what I admit. This is a harsh thing to do to myself. Do you understand the pressure I carry to never change my mind? What’s wrong with changing one’s mind?

It may be far better to let out half-baked ideas than to have one perfect thought. One thought lasts a moment. It’s vapor. But a gang of half-baked ideas builds cities. 

So I struggle to make lists, lists of possibilities, lists of assessment. I will argue with them until I see the truth.