Christmas

It's that holiday. You know the one with all the productions. I'm exhausted.

I've made it a tradition with myself to reflect on the year that was during the two weeks after Christmas and writing a little news article of sorts. I'm gearing up for that now. What I'd like to say to you at this point is this, God has shown me many things this year. Things I don't necessarily like.

It looks like the year to come will see some major transitions. I don't think I'm ready.

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed. That feeling has dominated recently. Just way too much to decide and not enough rest.

I didn't expect to have to struggle as much as I have. I wonder why that is? I'm not really special. I wasn't born into privilege really. Well privilege is a comparative thing. So, yeah, compared to people in, say, Guatemala, I'm living the life. But what is it in us that makes us think we are owed a certain standard of living?

Sweet stability, why does it look so easy? From the outside a story is neatly packaged and all figured out but the inside, the living of it, is pain, struggle and sometimes absurd.

Read Psalm 73
Nothing is new yet all is change.

"I can't afford this any more" she said, and it was true she couldn't. That's all.

Thanksgiving

Thankfulness is in the air, this is the seed, the heart of worship.

When I was younger I held on to every pain I looked inward I couldn’t see anything but my own misery this was selfish and got me no relief. I was a shell with a little rock rattling around in it. I became envious of those who had the opposite problem the one where they twist all focus to themselves. I thought why do they get what they want and I’m neglected? Why do I refuse to bend to the norms that would have me speak only of myself and seek only my own pleasure? This unyielding was pride. The overreaching was pride. There was no wining.

There was a day, a point when I noticed that I complained a lot. I mean a lot. Every day, every time I talked to myself, it was in every prayer I prayed everywhere, complaining. I didn’t want to be a complainer. They’re all so negative. So I began to write thanks. Because writing is permanent and if I could be in the habit of writing thanks and thanking more people and things I wouldn’t complain as much.

I am surrounded by complainers. It makes practicing thanksgiving harder. Because complaining sets off a chain reaction. I find myself saying; well you think you have it hard I have it worse. Most of the time I can stop myself from actually saying it out loud but the fact is I’ve thought it. Obviously I still complain. It’s kind of the only way to let people know you’re bothered by something but I hope I don’t feed it. I mean isn’t it lame to listen to the same five complaints over and over from the same person constantly? I hope I’m not that person.

So what’s the difference between complaining and expressing genuine desires/needs? Uhm, I don’t know yet.

Thanksgiving, and I don’t mean the American holiday but the discipline of giving thanks, has definitely changed me, before I was an anxious mess. It was bad. I remember spending many, many evenings alone feeding the anger of being alone and complaining to myself. What was I doing? There was no way anyone could help me because no one knew and they didn’t know because my pride told me they should care enough to find out. That’s what you’re up against with depression that grew from anxiety. Now, though it has been very hard for me, I’m opening up and this gives others an opportunity to help.

I still have a long, long way to go. I still don’t open up as freely as I want.

How do I cheat failure?

This has been a very frustrating week. I know I’m tiered. This should remind me to temper my decisions. Tomorrow after breakfast all will be different. I will be hopeful again, I think. Honestly, I don’t love theater this is not a good fit in a lot of ways but I feel stuck. What options do I have?

The closing on the 15^th was a good catalyst it was to propel me though the veil of the unknown. I was going to walk into the mystery. I was scared but excited and a lot of other things, but to have it reopen, to prolong this thing? I’m angry.

There are lots of reasons for my anger. I don’t know where to begin or if I should even fully express it.

How much more crap will I have to endure?

Why worry about it? This is the morning talking and though I expected to feel better I should’ve known that the hard long work would leave me depleted even after the nights rest. What is out there, what am I missing? This thought follows me everywhere. The risk is what?

From the outside a life, someone else’s story, looks so neat put together. I’ve been told that I had “it” together that my life was a success. Oh, the struggle they can’t or won’t see! All the hard painful things no one knows about! I am undone.

I don’t really believe in success any more than I believe in perfection. I don’t think we know what either is. If I’m flawed and I know that how could I hope to understand perfection and if I know I fail that makes me a failure and no expert on success. AHHHHHHH! It will freeze me if I let it. So, how do I rob failure of its power?

Isn’t that what everyone wants to know? How do I cheat failure? You can’t. It’s actually a neutral thing. Failure is meaningless. Perspective. We look at circumstances and label them failure but what we mean is we don’t see or, more often, feel the success. It’s in what you choose to look for. But without new eyes what could I see in new light?

Strangely the longer I’ve lived the more positive and negative emotions begin to blur together into a ball of mixed pains, sweet and terrible pains that roll in the cup of my soul. It’s hard for me to value these marbles of pain. Are they good or bad? I don’t know, but they make me human.

I don’t like the idea of living in frustration and bitterness. I don’t know anyone who does.

Sorry, there is no closure.

I will hope again. I always do but you need to see this too. You need to know I struggle.

Into the Void

So, the last time I did this, walk into a black hole, I had nothing to lose. This time there is some potential loss. I'm afraid of fading away.

And now if I name this fear and acknowledge the potential loss can I begin to recover before the blow is struck? That's not possible, or rather, logical. Come what may not saying anything will just put me back to the beginning, sort of.

It's hard to be both bold and humble.

Though I may never be able to name what I really want I see now that I must try. So much good can come from my failure.

Don't forget me
Don't leave me out
please remember me, find me

The void calls. I must pass through. Lord, remember my request grant me my desired friend.

The Wanting/Asking Exercise

How am I doing today? Honestly, I’m tired and conflicted. Tired because I’m working a lot, conflicted because it’s just time to be conflicted? I’m facing the unknown again and I don’t like deciding what I want from the unknown. 

Among the thoughts that war in me; I ought to find another job now however this current project is so demanding that I physically can’t do much outside of it. I don’t like living on reserve energy, it’s unsustainable. So, I think to myself marriage to a rich man would solve a lot of problems because there wouldn’t be pressure for me to work for money it would be about working for fulfillment or something like that. However marrying a rich man is a fairy tale solution that I have no hope of engineering; one, because I’m not a mercenary, two, because like I said above I don’t like deciding what I want, and three, I don’t know how much money anyone makes. 

The deciding to want something quirk is the one that really trips me up because if I can’t tell you what I want when you ask I will always be frustrated and you won’t be able to help me. So what can be done?

It sounds weird to me but I might have to practice consciously wanting things. Then practice asking for them. It seems like this comes naturally to most people so I find myself asking, why am I different? Why do I have a reluctance to name what it is that I want from a situation or person? Instead of fixating on that maybe I should just try the wanting/asking exercise. Perhaps in coming to express the want I will understand the fear that blocks the communication. I’m sure it’s a fear.

the Brothers

It must have been something in the air I woke in the middle of the night thinking about things from Sunday and especially the Brothers, the one I've come to love and the one who embraced me by God's command.

Come to find out a friend of mine also woke in the night to pray healing over the men who had hurt her.

I am thankful for the good people I've been blessed to meet thankful that my wounds are what they've been, all able to heal. Even more I am happy to let go of the responsibility to maintain.

The Brothers have a noble yet foreign mind and I can't pretend to know what's there. But I am grateful when I see the evidence of God's work in them. The strength in their desire to defend and carry their friends.

Lord, grant that I should know your noble sons and trust your presence in them. Grant my great hope. You are love and loved a never ending gift.

Monday Meditation: Lost Things

Luke 15

Luke 15:6
“Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.”

Luke 15:9
“Rejoice with me, for I have found the coin that I had lost.”

Lost Things

We celebrate when we find lost things our impulse is to share how it was discovered. But when it comes to people sometimes pride makes us bitter. We don’t realize the truth and beauty in the finding of people.

I love to see healing and progress but am suspicious when it doesn’t look like what I want it to.

It was pride that blinded the older brother and pride that caused the younger’s folly. Same cause different manifestations. In a way both were lost. The older was blind to his blessings, if only he could see through the father’s eyes he’d be free to rejoice. The younger obviously lost his inheritance but gained humility. In the end this acceptance of failure allows love to free him.

Pride would have us fight for everything. It would have us fight to rest, to love, to succeed. What’s the point? I don’t know what perfection is. I can’t do everything. I don’t even know, know, you. So, why should I not celebrate and trust that all will be perfect in the end?

Monday Meditation: David Mourned for the Living

2Samuel 12:22-23
He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, ‘Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”

2Samuel 13:39
And the spirit of the king longed to go out to Absalom, because he was comforted about Amnon, since he was dead.

David Mourned for the Living

You could call me fortunate because I haven’t had close people die yet. I know it’s coming. 

David was familiar with death, it was all around him. As a warrior he had caused it. Living in a time when life expectancy was so young he had seen his fair share.

It struck me as interesting that he mourned while the child was still alive, and after, when the child was gone, he was done. That takes faith. I get the sense that David’s long experience with God made it more practical for him to move on. Because to mourn the dead child was to tell God he didn’t trust him. It would have been saying, “your judgment, Lord, was wrong” and that was something he could not do because he knew God and knew the judgment was right.

And latter it happens again. David chooses to mourn for his insurrectionist son, not the other who was murdered, because that son was still living and perhaps something good could still come from him.

I don’t think that David was uncaring it just didn’t serve him to hold on to the dead.

Sage Thought Friday

We should all display hospitality to back rubs.

Monday Meditation: Delegation of Work

Acts 6:1-7
“It is not right that we should give up preaching the word of God to serve tables.”

Delegation or distribution of work: support work and the main event

This episode in the early church illustrates mature leadership. Not only do the apostils realize their limitations and acknowledge the problem before them they also empower a group of people to solve the problem so they can return to their primary task. This model is applicable to all group situations. 

First the problem was identified. All parties agreed about the basic problem. Everyone should agree about what the fundamental problem is before solving it. Communication is vital to solving any problem everyone should understand what’s going on and what tasks are assigned to them. 

The leadership then asked the people to identify the best individuals to solve the problem. After coming to a consensus on this they then gave their blessing and got out of the way allowing the appointed people to do their work.

Something I’ve observed: when people are not empowered or challenged to contribute to the solution they often become problems by complaining, sitting around doing nothing, or walking away angry.

In Christ all needs will be met however no individual can provide the complete answer. Church is collective response. Learn to be content with tasks assigned when God needs to move you to a new one he will. Be thankful for all kingdom work no matter how important it may be. However learn to know your main calling and be faithful to it. When a side project calls to you ask if there really is no one else who needs to be called forward into service, also ask yourself if it’s vital that it gets done. What is your motive for wanting this done?

I’m not in a position to delegate much at this point, however, it would be good for me to ask for “help” and practice assigning tasks so that it becomes second nature. Why? Because without practice I will have a tendency to hoard work and that’s actually kind of silly because the last thing I need to do is kill myself with work. 

When you find yourself saying, “The church should ___.” Ask yourself why she should, what is your motive for wanting this done?