How do I cheat failure?

This has been a very frustrating week. I know I’m tiered. This should remind me to temper my decisions. Tomorrow after breakfast all will be different. I will be hopeful again, I think. Honestly, I don’t love theater this is not a good fit in a lot of ways but I feel stuck. What options do I have?

The closing on the 15^th was a good catalyst it was to propel me though the veil of the unknown. I was going to walk into the mystery. I was scared but excited and a lot of other things, but to have it reopen, to prolong this thing? I’m angry.

There are lots of reasons for my anger. I don’t know where to begin or if I should even fully express it.

How much more crap will I have to endure?

Why worry about it? This is the morning talking and though I expected to feel better I should’ve known that the hard long work would leave me depleted even after the nights rest. What is out there, what am I missing? This thought follows me everywhere. The risk is what?

From the outside a life, someone else’s story, looks so neat put together. I’ve been told that I had “it” together that my life was a success. Oh, the struggle they can’t or won’t see! All the hard painful things no one knows about! I am undone.

I don’t really believe in success any more than I believe in perfection. I don’t think we know what either is. If I’m flawed and I know that how could I hope to understand perfection and if I know I fail that makes me a failure and no expert on success. AHHHHHHH! It will freeze me if I let it. So, how do I rob failure of its power?

Isn’t that what everyone wants to know? How do I cheat failure? You can’t. It’s actually a neutral thing. Failure is meaningless. Perspective. We look at circumstances and label them failure but what we mean is we don’t see or, more often, feel the success. It’s in what you choose to look for. But without new eyes what could I see in new light?

Strangely the longer I’ve lived the more positive and negative emotions begin to blur together into a ball of mixed pains, sweet and terrible pains that roll in the cup of my soul. It’s hard for me to value these marbles of pain. Are they good or bad? I don’t know, but they make me human.

I don’t like the idea of living in frustration and bitterness. I don’t know anyone who does.

Sorry, there is no closure.

I will hope again. I always do but you need to see this too. You need to know I struggle.