The Wanting/Asking Exercise

How am I doing today? Honestly, I’m tired and conflicted. Tired because I’m working a lot, conflicted because it’s just time to be conflicted? I’m facing the unknown again and I don’t like deciding what I want from the unknown. 

Among the thoughts that war in me; I ought to find another job now however this current project is so demanding that I physically can’t do much outside of it. I don’t like living on reserve energy, it’s unsustainable. So, I think to myself marriage to a rich man would solve a lot of problems because there wouldn’t be pressure for me to work for money it would be about working for fulfillment or something like that. However marrying a rich man is a fairy tale solution that I have no hope of engineering; one, because I’m not a mercenary, two, because like I said above I don’t like deciding what I want, and three, I don’t know how much money anyone makes. 

The deciding to want something quirk is the one that really trips me up because if I can’t tell you what I want when you ask I will always be frustrated and you won’t be able to help me. So what can be done?

It sounds weird to me but I might have to practice consciously wanting things. Then practice asking for them. It seems like this comes naturally to most people so I find myself asking, why am I different? Why do I have a reluctance to name what it is that I want from a situation or person? Instead of fixating on that maybe I should just try the wanting/asking exercise. Perhaps in coming to express the want I will understand the fear that blocks the communication. I’m sure it’s a fear.